I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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