for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
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You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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