i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
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i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
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You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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