I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
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Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
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Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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