I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
my liver is dry heaving
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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