i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
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And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
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I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
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