you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
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The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
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If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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