Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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