Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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