My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize