so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
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put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
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You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
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