found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
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in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
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The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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