Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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