You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
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When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
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I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Bring me that man meat
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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