i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
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True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
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Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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