allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
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