I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
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One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
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Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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