I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
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She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
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Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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