What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
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Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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