He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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