Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girls should come with a carfax report
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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