I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
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So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
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I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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