Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize