I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
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We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
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I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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