her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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