And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
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I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
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Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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