I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
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So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
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If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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