it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize