The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
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I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
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I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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