she was so not down for the gang bang
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
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Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
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And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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