I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
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It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
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He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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