The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
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I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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