I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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