phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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