I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
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