when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
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you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
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I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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