"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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