i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
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I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
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At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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