Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
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She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
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We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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