peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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