I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Are we still banned from the library?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize