you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
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I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
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Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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