also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
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I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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