she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize