i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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