i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize