Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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