Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
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Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I AM VODKA MAN
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My ass is underappreciated
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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