and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
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She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
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Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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