Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
don't judge my taste in strippers
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize